Thursday, July 29, 2010

So, what do you do?

It's the dreaded question. My answer typically depends on the audience. But, 8 times out of 10, it's "I'm FUNemployed."

"Ummm, did you say unemployed?"

"No, FUNemployed. You know, putting the fun in unemployment."


The person I'm conversing with generally looks confused at this point, or perhaps even gives me a pitying look. And that's when I drop it.

"You know, it's when you get to do all the things that you never had time to do while working plus you're getting paid for it. By the state."

"Hmm." Pause for processing. "That actually sounds better than working.?!"

Ta da!

Sometimes, though, if I really don't want to talk to someone or if I just don't feeling like explaining, I just say, "Advertising."

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Knee-dless Aggravation

One of the activities that keeps a smile on my funemployed face is exercise. Running, hiking, spinning, yoga and pilates are all favorites. In the face of the cleanse debacle (only 3 lbs lost over three weeks of starvation), I have committed to eating better and exercising so that I can feel good about my body.

A month ago, while in Connecticut visiting my family, I hurt my knee. I rested it for a week and then slowly went back into exercising. I ran 3 miles on Friday and since then, my knee has been on fire. Like, shorty burning on the dance floor fire. Enter orthopedist stage left.

No one at Cedars (my medical rest stop) took my insurance so I ventured out of the BH (Beverly Hills). I went to some shady orthopedic clinic too far from home. I did not like this. The place was like a factory. I couldn't pronounce my doctor's last name, but his first name is ORR. He was talking about how he didn't think I (k)needed (ha, I'm funny) an MRI because it's not like I had knee cancer.  Um, what the hell is knee cancer? Turns out bone cancer which is more likely in kids. Deduct points for the overly dramatic Dr. CreatORR of KNEE-dless Panic.

Anyway, I assured him that there was no knee cancer in my family. He touched the sore spot, I winced and made fists with my hands and informed him that his touch made my knee feel like it was burning. He proclaimed that I have patella tendonitis, aka seriously pissed off knee tendon. No exercise for 2 weeks, physical therapy and topical Advil.

M*therf*ckORR just ruined my Jennifer-Aniston-body-in-30-days-exercise-plan.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Carbs, you complete me

The end of the 21-day cleanse. The end of my apocalypse.

Over the past 21 days, I have lusted after food, dreamed of iced lattes, lost that bloated feeling, been super cranky, suffered dizzy spells from low blood sugar and got terse with the Genius Bar. Twice.

Other cleansers have said that after the first week they've felt great. I was not granted that privilege.

I did learn that I am addicted to carbs and the glucose that they produce. My body wants the sugar highs and considers murder to sate it's cravings. If I continue on my carby diet, I'm a diabetic in training. So all is not lost.

Oh, and speaking of losses, I bet you're wondering how much weight I've dropped. 3 lbs. ONLY 3 LBS. Even Gwyneth Paltrow lost 5 lbs when she did this cleanse and she has nothing to lose. I have noticed that I am fitting into pants several sizes smaller and am a true extra small (I was wearing smalls and mediums just a few weeks ago). I can see the results in the mirror. But that did not stop me from nearly destroying the TWO scales that I stepped on. Oh yeah, I wasn't leaving my weight reading to chance. To ensure there was no faulty wiring I weighed myself on 2 different scales at Bed Bath and Beyond (I'm too ghetto to buy a scale outright). And twice I was assaulted and insulted by the number.

I'm going to incorporate what I've learned into my diet moving forward. But for now, I ate 2 Sprinkles cupcakes (Chocolate Marshmallow and Cherry, a special edition) to mark the end of a long journey. Then I had a steak sandwich. I finally got a good night's sleep for the first time in 3 weeks.

Now I'm ready to give quinoa the time of day. Again.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I Spy The ESPYs

Yesterday, I went to the ESPYs red carpet. I got free tickets to the event so the only thing it cost me was time and sweat. My friend Chris and I lined up early, stocked up on free Gatorade and got set to watch.

We had a great view and saw quite a few athletes and D-list celebs (scroll down to see pix of Zac Efron (ok, he's B-list), T.O. Bobby Brown, Mike Piazza and more).

Best part of the red carpet: yelling at Jalen Rose and telling him we were Michigan Wolverines from the class of '96. He was gave us the thumbs up and got even more excited when he heard '96 (he would've been class of '95 if he'd stayed until graduation.)

Worst part of the red carpet: seeing that dumbass Jeremy Shockey who was with 2 girls. I've despised him since we had a shouting match in NYC. To make a long story short, the argument started when he told me to f*ck myself and f*ck the fans. I told him he needed media training, the fans pay his salary so he should watch his attitude and that he was a motherf$cking a$$hole. I heckled him yesterday on the carpetby telling him that he sucked and that I hated him. And, he heard me.

Super best part of the day: After frying all day in the near 100-degree heat, we decided to head out a little early. I passed by and made eye contact with Scott Speedman (Ben from Felicity). He was looking at me, so I said hello, and then he turned around to watch me walk away. My friend told me that he was checking me out. I figured that he thought I was an ESPN staffer. But, I can be dense in these situations.
In an anxiety-inducing act of desperation, I went back and gave him my card. He smiled at me and said, "Thank you!" I seriously doubt that I'll hear from him but you never know. It was worth a shot. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, I'm finally putting the fun back in unemployment! I have an awesome tan to boot. And I've only checked my cell phone every 10 minutes for word from Mr. Speedman.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Cirque de No Way

I often get myself in situations that make me say, "Ruh roh." Gripping the trapeze at the Cirque School LA was one of those times.

I learned about this class from a Daily Candy announcement and when I got an offer from Living Social to take a class at 50% off, I jumped at it. I figured that this would be a new class that may make exercising more exciting. I signed up to take Aerial Fitness, which was described as core strengthening with some aerial tricks.

Last summer, I took a Reebok class call Jukamarti (or something like that) which was a cardio and conditioning class using a ring suspended from the ceiling from super elastic bands. There was some aerial aspect to it which ended up being more like jumping with the ring in your hand. I actually liked it and was sad to learn that it was a traveling exposition of sorts and was headed to NYC until its next port of call.

So, this was where my head was at when I signed up for the circus class. I stupidly assumed that this one would be similar to the Reebok class. I realized my mistake when I walked into the school and saw people hanging out doing circus tricks. I wasn't sure if they were carnies, instructors off the clock or what. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach but figured that I would give it a shot and hope for the best.

Well, to make a potentially long entry short, I sucked. I don't like hanging upside down, which I quickly learned. THIS CLASS IS ALL ABOUT BEING UPSIDE DOWN. I actually can't even remember hanging upside down on the monkey bars as a kid. I blame it on my control freakiness, neck injury and lack of padding underneath.

From now on I will only consider exercise classes that keep my head upright. And, I'm crossing carnie off my potential career list.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I'm still doing my cleanse but now that I don't salivate at the sight of an iced latte or carb, I'm hatching a new scheme. 

Millionaire Matchmaker.

I've seen the show. They are always looking for well educated ladies. I'm in good shape, blonde, not quite as fresh as I was in my 20s but I like to think my personality carries me through to the finish line.

We've established that I'm a serial date killer but I like to think it's the datees. Have you ever been set up with a Christmas Decoration salesman? An newly off the plane Egyptian who thought the waiter was committing a crime by handing me a menu? (Forget about choosing and ordering for myself). An actor/bus boy that started picking his teeth with his knife? But I digress.

Via Patti Stanger, I could meet men who have jobs. She'd probably make me dress slutty, but I can do that. Not so sure about the filming part, but that would be the least of it compared to what I've gone through. 

Application done. Now I need a head shot. I guess that I've made it living in LA for almost 3 years without a head shot makes me an anomaly. I may as well jump on the bandwagon. After all, I'm just a leprechaun seeking a rainbow. If it happens to have a pot of gold, all the more lucky charms for me, right?

Friday, July 2, 2010

Latte Love Affair

Just thinking about it makes me hot and bothered. And sweaty. I shake.

My obsession? The creamy, icy liquid that goes down my throat like silk: an iced latte.

In the spirit of funemployed self-improvement, I'm on a 21-day cleanse which bans me from drinking coffee and pretty much most food. Basically, I've been existing on chicken, leafy green vegetables, fruit, quinoa and green tea. Since my pre-cleanse diet was so unhealthy, my detox has been awful. My muscles ache, I have painful headaches and I'm constantly craving sugar.

So why am I doing this? Primarily, to detox and secondarily, lose some weight. In the long run, I want to learn to eat better. Even though this has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, I'm on track.

I can withstand the detox and exist without the foods that I love with one exception: iced lattes. They dance constantly through my brain and and make me absolutely insane. I now understand how Edward Cullen felt when he wanted to devour Bella. I want to rip the iced latte out of people's hands. I try to hide my rabid eyes behind sunglasses for fear of scaring too many people. I'm a latte vampire.

I never realized the strength of my caffeine addiction until I gave in. After drinking an iced latte on Day 3, I was smiling ear to ear and felt full of hope.  For a drink to have that power over me made me realize how powerless I am to my unhealthy habits. I recommitted to the cleanse 100%. While I can't say that I won't slip in the next 16 days, it should get easier.

Thank God I don't have to go to work in an office because this would be a true case of how to lose friends and alienate people. No one (smart) wants to be associated with a caffeine-deprived, latte-lusting vampire.