Friday, December 30, 2011

Dear Tim Tebow

Dear Tim Tebow, I'm not from Denver, nor am I a Broncos fanatic (but kudos for all those wins!). I've directed my letter to you because you have a direct line to Jesus. For 2012, I have some requests to share with The Big J:

--Kardashians Take Mars--can we send the sisters to outerspace? I don't believe TV signals can be transmitted from there, but they don't need to know that. They can lust for intergalactic fame and we won't hear a damn (oops! darn) thing about it.

--Lindsay "Not Marilyn" Lohan--this is a sad situation. Once a shining little starlet, her addictions have landed her in Playboy. She should pull a Demi Moore and hit up Iowa for awhile and then come back wearing a bikini in a 70's reboot movie, only to marry a 70's set TV star...oh wait, nevermind.

--L.A. douchebag men--Ahnold and Kobe can't keep it in their pants so let's just stop giving them attention, and worse yet, giving men ideas. If you're a man, you're a hunter and should be wooing ladies. Here's a tip: you have a tip...on your penis...and balls, which should give you the courage to ask a lady out. Don't say, "Hey, let me know when you're in my neighborhood," or "Here's my number, call me." If you want to be courted, date another man. If you want to get in a lady's pants, put in some effort. Work even. Remember, easily accessible vaginas belong to whores.

--Glee--this saccharine nightmare gives me diarhee. In fact, it caused Ryan Murphy to overcorrect so much he had to access his inner Satan with American Horror Story. I know you're not into Satan, so just cancel Glee and balance will be restored.

--Flavor-infused Vodka--I don't hit the bottle anymore, but I'm still offended by things like "whipped cream flavored Smirnoff." Really? 'Cause whipped cream offers so much...flavor? Have you hit rock bottom, Smirnoff? Do you drink too much of your own product? Is your product development team in the parking lot doing whippets? 

--Groupon, et al--We've all been duped and it's time to stop Satan in his deal-wielding tracks. How many people have lost out on restaurant deals, realized that steeply discounted skydiving is not a good idea and that dentists offering reduced rate cleanings are likely located in a strip mall next to Vivid Entertainment and known as the dentist of the porn stars (yes, Jesus, this actually happened to me, and thank you, because all STD tests were negative) 

--LMFAO--This band provides some catchy tunes...the first 10 listens. But frequent radio play every 15 minutes makes their lyrics less LMFAO and more IW2BMBO (I want to blow my brains out...which is a sin, so please help me from breaking a commandment)

--Courtney Stoddard and her creepy 51-year-old-husband--I believe in love, but make this creepiness stop. 

--Last but not least: please bring me a sweet wheaten terrier puppy, a non-douchey gentleman boyfriend, Kate moss' wardrobe, a juicer i can operate without cursing, health, luck and happiness for me, my family and friends, jobs for the unemployed and inspiration (as well as wins) for the funemployed.

Sincerely, all the best, with love,

Kerry Quinn 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Leaping Lass

At a shopping event at Fred Segal in Santa Monica, I snagged some swag, saw Bo Brady of Days of Our Lives (he was feeding his daughter) and was more than pleasantly surprised by a new line that they're carrying called A Lot To Say.

Made entirely from recycled plastic bottles, the line offers funny, pithy and inspirational sayings on t-shirts, iPad cases and more. I bought a pair of "Dream" panties. It says something along the lines of, "There are only 3 little letters between can and cannot." Part of the proceeds go to charity and I get the benefit of dreaming from my ass up. Not the most practical of purchases, but I'm not really being practical this week.

I accepted a job offer from a European agency that has a burgeoning office in LA. I'll be one of two people who'll be getting my entrepreneurial groove on. In order to do this, I had to quit my new, corporate (miserable) job. I'm giving up a bonus, health benefits for the next few months and potentially stability. A few years ago, I wouldn't have done this, but back then, I was too scared to dream. But now there's one more job open for someone who would love/appreciate/thrive in it. I'm not that person.

FUNemployment woke up my inner hustler and made me realize that life is too short, companies are not families and you've got to take care of yourself. So, I'm dreaming big, taking a leap and doing what feels right, instead of what looks good on paper.