Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Unbearable Weight of Loss

In August, I lost my job, had food poisoning, moved into a bigger apartment and said goodbye to my beloved dog. As far as months go, it sucked.

For more than a few days, I felt like a loser. In the sense that there haven't been many wins in my column in recent years. The one bright spot was my senior rescue dog, Shaggy. It's been a long time since I was in love. He awakened my heart. Loving him and taking care of him made me feel like I had a purpose. I could move an entire apartment by myself, I could brace myself for unemployment and I could see the other side of food poisoning. All were positive changes, detoxing bad situations from my life. As long as I had my faithful companion, everything would be ok.

Shaggy's loss was dramatic, quick, traumatic and exhausting. I had to make a tough decision that wasn't tough rationally. It was tough because I was losing my pal, my constant companion and my connector to the dog community. He kept me present and my mood was uncharacteristically good. I could remember life without him. I just didn't want to live that life again.

A psychic told me that Shaggy is all around me. He left because I needed him too much. He wants me to have a human relationship, clear all of my heartbreak and then he'll come back to me in the form of another dog. He also said he wished he'd spent more time outside (btw, he spent 2.5-3 hours a day outside, more than any of his friends. He's still relentless, even from the other side.)

Even knowing he's ok, it's been a struggle to stay positive. For every moment that I feel ok, there are two where I feel like Mike Tyson is throwing knockout punches at my chest. I know that it has to get better.

I've learned that anything can change in an instant. There's no point in hiding behind fears. YOLO. So, I'm vowing to try a few things outside of my comfort zone. I'm going to sell a children's book. I'm going to start a microbusiness on the web related to pets. I'm going to follow what I want to do rather than what I can do. Hopefully, by following my passions and my heart, love will come my way. I'll find my husband, have our child, have a career that I want without money worries and my Shaggy, back to me in a new, young body to live with me for his entire life, instead of his last months.

If I can make this, when I make this happen, I will have the life I've always wanted to live.