Monday, November 1, 2010

Playing Pretend

I hate Halloween for a couple of reasons. The superficial one is that I hate being in some kind of contraption (makeup, hat, crown, uncomfortable costume) and end up always taking it off. You also never know who you're really talking to at parties. You can walk by the guy you had an in depth conversation with and not know. Because he's not in his predator costume.

Halloween is all about dressing up as or even being something that you're not. For one night, you live out a fantasy. The next day, you go back to being yourself. I don't really need to wear an additional mask...I already wear a few 365 days of the the year.

Let's see...there's the "I'm a happy single girl and I love it!" mask. Then there's, "oh yes I have it all figured out" mask. Don't forget the "I know what's next for me career-wise" mask.  Lastly, "I'm FUNemployed and couldn't be happier" mask. Well, this last one is mostly not a mask but some's not so easy. I crave a purpose and am having a hard time finding one.

Actually, that's not true. I've been going through the exercise of actually feeling my feelings and expressing them, instead of hiding them. I feel raw, vulnerable and at times deeply insecure. I'm scared that those I share my feelings with will dislike, reject or be angry with me for my honesty. So far, this is mostly unfounded. But the fear is real.

So I don't need to be scared by ghouls and goblins. But, just for the record, I was a sexy detective (trench coat, fedora and peep toe heels) and a Teen Mom (side pony tail, balloon in my shirt so I could eat A LOT.) And I went on a haunted hayride at Griffith Park which was AWESOME. I screamed like an 11-year old girl who's just been thrown in a vat of tarantulas.


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