Friday, November 5, 2010

The varying degrees of availability

Being FUNemployed, people naturally assume that I have nothing going on. That I'm free whenever. But I've found that I have less available time than when I was working. However, I'm now more open emotionally which got me thinking about the varying degrees of availability.

In its simplest form, availability means when you're free to get together, to make a plan, to meet up. When I was employed, I was not terribly social since I was worn out from work. Now, I'm dating, seeing friends, entertaining visiting friends, volunteering and exercising in addition to the standard household errands. But I'm also overscheduling myself and need to be better about having time to myself. I'm not doing anyone any service by being cranky. And I'm not doing myself any service by distracting myself from where my attention really needs to be: figuring out the next step in my working life and writing.

In terms of emotional availability, I've been very closed in past dating situations. I was afraid to open myself up for fear of rejection and not wanting to open my life to someone else.

Most recently, I've hung out with a man a few times that I've enjoyed spending time with. The upside is that we have a lot of chemistry. The downside is that I think he's closed off. He's guarded and won't answer many of my questions. I have a soft spot for this guy since he's the type to whom I've always been drawn. Two emotionally unavailable people make for one unchallenging relationship.

The difference this time is that I'm not emotionally unavailable. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and to let him see who I really am. I've grown a lot in the past few months. And, one available person and one who's unavailable make for a very challenging relationship.

I feel sad but life is too short. And, as they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I'm taking away from this situation is that I have not been my usual closed off self of which I'm very proud.

Besides, who needs to spend my precious availability on someone who doesn't deserve it? Not this lady. Not anymore.

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