Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Juice Cleanses are Hell in a Glass

I’m a vegan. Relax, I’m not here to convert you and I don’t want to hear any garbage about the awesomeness of meat. I’m confessing to set the stage of my story.

I met a nutritionist who used to live in NYC, worked in advertising (sales, not agency) and had some of the same health issues that I had (fibroid tumor). We talked about how nutrition and stress played such a huge part in our health problems. We bonded and she told me that she wanted to help me.

In the spirit of FUNemployment, I went for it. No time like to present to get my eating habits under control. My goal of our meeting was to get a balanced eating plan. I have no idea if I’m getting all the nutrients I need. I mean, if I eat vegan eggplant, do I pair it with a salad or whole wheat pasta? Or both?

In lieu of said plan, she insisted on putting me on a juice cleanse. I could eat one meal at night. Her definition of a meal and mine differ greatly. She excitedly told me that I could have a salad and quinoa for dinner. My first thought was, “Cardboard for one.”

I told myself, “Ok, you’re tough. You can make it through anything.” WRONG. By day three, I was bed ridden by the afternoon, weeping from starvation. I just wanted a carb, any carb but preferably a bagel, a cupcake, a chocolate chip cookie and if my stomach permitted, a loaf of bread.

What was supposed to reboot my system and force me to crave vegetables left me a sobbing, starving, sad excuse for a lady. EPIC FAIL free nutritionist that I met at an event. I got what I paid for. And, I still have no idea what to pair with that eggplant. If you happen to know, let me know. 

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